Val’s Life

The Baby Handbook: How to Train Your Parents, Months 3 and 4

Greetings devoted readers! This is your good friend, baby Cael. As you can see, I’ve completed the second installment of the baby handbook. These last two months have been almost as much fun as the first two, just see what I have in store!

1. In the first installment, I discussed with you how to utterly and completely exhaust your parents with sleep deprivation. You can still work on this (especially during growth spurts!), but let’s face it, it’s getting to the point where you need your sleep too. The next best tactic is messing around with nap time. Stay completely unpredictable. Two or three long naps one day, sleep for about thirty minutes total the next day. Even though Mom and Dad are getting more sleep at night, now they will not be able to get much done during the day, and they will always be on edge wondering how much they can get done before you wake up.

2. As your social and physical development progresses, you will find that you can still quite readily have them at your fingertips in a heartbeat. If you haven’t yet worked on rolling over, start now. This will ensure that they can’t leave you alone for a minute. Either because they want to capture the exciting event on video, or because of fear that you will hurt yourself by rolling off of something or into something.

3. Another great trick I have learned is being camera shy. Get Mom, Dad, or Grandma going by being absolutely adorable. Giggles work really well since this is a newly acquired feat. Someone will exclaim “Where’s the camera, we have to get this recorded!”. As soon as they break it out, stop all interesting interaction and begin to do something boring like shoving your fist in your mouth.

4. Drool! Drool! Drool! Need I say more? Interspersed with the occasional spit-up and squirt of pee, you still have the upper hand when it comes to bodily fluids.

5. We need to talk about poop. In the last installment, we discussed poo-poo faces. Now is the time to go stealth. Add frequent farts to your routine. The smell will get them wondering. They may check three or four times. Now is the time to break out the big one. Since the first few were just gas, they will assume that this one is also the result of something you ate. When they do go to change the diaper, they are in for a big surprise. Don’t you just love messing with them?

That’s enough fun for now. More information to follow upon the closing of months five and six. Happy Training!