Val’s Life

The Baby Handbook: How to Train Your Parents, Months 1 and 2

The following is an excerpt from The Baby Handbook as dictated by Cael to his mommy during his 3 a.m. feedings.

1. During the first two weeks of life, never sleep for more than two hours at a time. Also never go more than two hours between feedings. This will thoroughly exhaust mom and dad. The point is to break their will to make them attune to your needs instead of theirs. They will attempt to try a tag team approach so that one person is up with you while the other one sleeps. Do not fall for this tactic, it is possible to exhaust them both at the same time.

2. To ensure utter and complete exhaustion, spend a significant amount of time awake. Then, by the time you fall asleep, it will only be a short amount of time before you need to eat again. The purpose of this exercise is to ensure that mommy and daddy cannot think clearly or function effectively. Again, this serves to completely break them to your will.

3. In order to make sure that you don’t sit in poopy diapers for very long, make sure that you have created a good repitoire of what I will call “poo-poo faces”. This includes grunts, a red face, pursing of lips, and other various types of grimaces. It won’t take them long to catch on to what you are doing. It is most effective to make sure you have their full attention before you begin. Then, once your diaper has been changed, repeat the sequence. You may do this two or three times per initial diaper change. If you are skilled enough, you can even make them think that you are quite cute when you do this.

4. The key to getting bodily fluids on other people is to catch them off guard. Boys especially can be quite skilled at this. New parents without a lot of diaper changing experience are particularly vulnerable. While poop and pee are good fluids to use, never underestimate the power of a good spit-up. This is a good tactic when someone has just showered and has on clean clothing.

5. After the first four weeks or so when your parents believe that they have somewhat adjusted to their new darling, it is time to switch up the game. Don’t sleep when you were sleeping. Instead of eating every two hours, go three to four hours, then eat every hour on the hour for the next five feedings. Now is also a good time to start having blow-outs. In addition to frequent diaper changes, you will also get to model all of those cute new outfits that have just been sitting there in your dresser drawers.

6. Car seat etiquette demands that you wake up as soon as you are strapped in. On a good day, you will be happy for as long as it takes it to get the car moving, then begin screwing up your face and fussing. This will get them worried that you will begin screaming at any moment. Desperate attempts to keep you happy will be employed. This might include shoving an unwanted pacifier into your mouth, as well as shaking and dangling annoying toys in your face. Do not give in. Scream your heart out until they get the picture and pull over and take you out and hold you. On a bad day, this can begin as soon as you get in the car seat.

7. As your world expands, you will actually begin to enjoy looking at toys and your loved one’s faces. The whole family will start to think you are cuter and cuter. They will coo and goo in your face and smile at you frequently. As you reciprocate, you will know that you’ve really got them snookered. Now is the time to stay awake for really long periods of time. When appropriate, scream for a significant amount of this waking time. The only exception is when grandma comes over to help. When grandma is there, happily snooze in her arms all day. When she leaves you may go back to screaming.

8. The last tip of this segment involves grown-ups meal times. As soon as you sense that mom or dad has fixed some food and is ready to sit down and eat it, begin to fuss. It doesn’t matter if you were in a dead sleep or have only been asleep for five minutes. Interrupt their meal and demand to be fed.

I hope you enjoyed the first part of the book. Look for the next segment, Months 3 and 4 coming in January 2010.