Val’s Life

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The Baby Handbook: How to Train Your Parents, Months 3 and 4

Greetings devoted readers! This is your good friend, baby Cael. As you can see, I’ve completed the second installment of the baby handbook. These last two months have been almost as much fun as the first two, just see what I have in store!

1. In the first installment, I discussed with you how to utterly and completely exhaust your parents with sleep deprivation. You can still work on this (especially during growth spurts!), but let’s face it, it’s getting to the point where you need your sleep too. The next best tactic is messing around with nap time. Stay completely unpredictable. Two or three long naps one day, sleep for about thirty minutes total the next day. Even though Mom and Dad are getting more sleep at night, now they will not be able to get much done during the day, and they will always be on edge wondering how much they can get done before you wake up.

2. As your social and physical development progresses, you will find that you can still quite readily have them at your fingertips in a heartbeat. If you haven’t yet worked on rolling over, start now. This will ensure that they can’t leave you alone for a minute. Either because they want to capture the exciting event on video, or because of fear that you will hurt yourself by rolling off of something or into something.

3. Another great trick I have learned is being camera shy. Get Mom, Dad, or Grandma going by being absolutely adorable. Giggles work really well since this is a newly acquired feat. Someone will exclaim “Where’s the camera, we have to get this recorded!”. As soon as they break it out, stop all interesting interaction and begin to do something boring like shoving your fist in your mouth.

4. Drool! Drool! Drool! Need I say more? Interspersed with the occasional spit-up and squirt of pee, you still have the upper hand when it comes to bodily fluids.

5. We need to talk about poop. In the last installment, we discussed poo-poo faces. Now is the time to go stealth. Add frequent farts to your routine. The smell will get them wondering. They may check three or four times. Now is the time to break out the big one. Since the first few were just gas, they will assume that this one is also the result of something you ate. When they do go to change the diaper, they are in for a big surprise. Don’t you just love messing with them?

That’s enough fun for now. More information to follow upon the closing of months five and six. Happy Training!

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Do You Hear What I Hear?

Some interactions with my teen daughter have got me asking this question lately. I suppose it would be better to put it this way……do you hear what I meant to say? We’ve apparently been having a miscommunication issue. As in, she hears one thing, but what I meant was something else entirely. I can think of several examples lately. A few weeks ago, she was watching a daytime talk show, and they were asking viewers to call or email in if “Your Parents Think You Must Be Perfect All the Time”. So, I jokingly turned to Elizabeth and said, “Elizabeth, you must be perfect all the time”. “That’s not funny” she says. What! Is she implying that I really think she must be perfect all the time? Hmmm…….must have hit a sore spot with her. Example #2 — Elizabeth was flying out on Christmas Eve to spend the holiday with her dad in Texas. A family member asked her why her grandmother was taking her to the airport instead of me. Elizabeth says, “Because mom didn’t want to”. What!!! How did that get communicated at all? I corrected my daughter….her stepdad and I had other plans and weren’t able to take her. Sheesh.

Relationship expert and therapist Dr. John Gottman has studied interactions between married couples to see if he can predict whether or not a couple will divorce. According to Gottman, one key component is the number of positive to negative interactions. Couples who have healthy relationships will have a positive to negative ratio of about 5:1. Couples who are headed for divorce have a ratio of .8:1.

I think these statistics could be applied to any relationship, including parents and teens. Count how many interactions a day you are having with your teen. Are they positive or negative? Are there more positive interactions than negative ones?

I can recall several other incidents with my daughter in which one or the other of us clearly mistook what the other one was saying. Guess that’s something I need to work on.

Valerie Owings is a parenting consultant striving to improve the lives of families. You can visit her site at www.parentingwithpeace.com.

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Mary did you know?

I love the song “Mary Did You Know?” that is sung this time of year. Here are some of the lyrics:

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

I haven’t heard the song yet this year, but it has been going through my head. As a new mother (again), I think of my own baby boy and I relate to Mary, the way all mothers can relate to one another. Here are some thoughts I had:

While no one I know has delivered a Christ child, I think God gave all of us mothers experiences similar to Mary. From her story, I can see that she went through the same things all of us have gone through.

At the moment we find out we are pregnant, we are simultaneously terrified yet rejoicing

Every mother ponders what the future holds for her son or daughter

Every mother hurts when she sees her child hurting

Every mother will not understand the choices her child makes, yet still understands that there is a meaning and a bigger purpose behind it

Thank you Lord, for the experience of being a mother. May my children be as special to me as the baby Jesus was to Mary. Please help and guide me in being the mother You want me to be, as You did with Mary.

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The Baby Handbook: How to Train Your Parents, Months 1 and 2

The following is an excerpt from The Baby Handbook as dictated by Cael to his mommy during his 3 a.m. feedings.

1. During the first two weeks of life, never sleep for more than two hours at a time. Also never go more than two hours between feedings. This will thoroughly exhaust mom and dad. The point is to break their will to make them attune to your needs instead of theirs. They will attempt to try a tag team approach so that one person is up with you while the other one sleeps. Do not fall for this tactic, it is possible to exhaust them both at the same time.

2. To ensure utter and complete exhaustion, spend a significant amount of time awake. Then, by the time you fall asleep, it will only be a short amount of time before you need to eat again. The purpose of this exercise is to ensure that mommy and daddy cannot think clearly or function effectively. Again, this serves to completely break them to your will.

3. In order to make sure that you don’t sit in poopy diapers for very long, make sure that you have created a good repitoire of what I will call “poo-poo faces”. This includes grunts, a red face, pursing of lips, and other various types of grimaces. It won’t take them long to catch on to what you are doing. It is most effective to make sure you have their full attention before you begin. Then, once your diaper has been changed, repeat the sequence. You may do this two or three times per initial diaper change. If you are skilled enough, you can even make them think that you are quite cute when you do this.

4. The key to getting bodily fluids on other people is to catch them off guard. Boys especially can be quite skilled at this. New parents without a lot of diaper changing experience are particularly vulnerable. While poop and pee are good fluids to use, never underestimate the power of a good spit-up. This is a good tactic when someone has just showered and has on clean clothing.

5. After the first four weeks or so when your parents believe that they have somewhat adjusted to their new darling, it is time to switch up the game. Don’t sleep when you were sleeping. Instead of eating every two hours, go three to four hours, then eat every hour on the hour for the next five feedings. Now is also a good time to start having blow-outs. In addition to frequent diaper changes, you will also get to model all of those cute new outfits that have just been sitting there in your dresser drawers.

6. Car seat etiquette demands that you wake up as soon as you are strapped in. On a good day, you will be happy for as long as it takes it to get the car moving, then begin screwing up your face and fussing. This will get them worried that you will begin screaming at any moment. Desperate attempts to keep you happy will be employed. This might include shoving an unwanted pacifier into your mouth, as well as shaking and dangling annoying toys in your face. Do not give in. Scream your heart out until they get the picture and pull over and take you out and hold you. On a bad day, this can begin as soon as you get in the car seat.

7. As your world expands, you will actually begin to enjoy looking at toys and your loved one’s faces. The whole family will start to think you are cuter and cuter. They will coo and goo in your face and smile at you frequently. As you reciprocate, you will know that you’ve really got them snookered. Now is the time to stay awake for really long periods of time. When appropriate, scream for a significant amount of this waking time. The only exception is when grandma comes over to help. When grandma is there, happily snooze in her arms all day. When she leaves you may go back to screaming.

8. The last tip of this segment involves grown-ups meal times. As soon as you sense that mom or dad has fixed some food and is ready to sit down and eat it, begin to fuss. It doesn’t matter if you were in a dead sleep or have only been asleep for five minutes. Interrupt their meal and demand to be fed.

I hope you enjoyed the first part of the book. Look for the next segment, Months 3 and 4 coming in January 2010.

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Everybody Hates Growth Spurts

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would write one blog a week. Well, if you’re a follower, you know this hasn’t happened for the last several months. See, I’ve been busy. Busy because of growth spurts, not mine you understand. My title is a play off of the television show “Everybody Hates Chris” based on the comedy of Chris Rock. Unlike Rock’s stand-up routines, the show is mostly wholesome and not filled with foul language. The title of each show is “Everybody Hates _____” fill -in -the blank of whatever situation Chris is facing that week. The premise of the show is Chris’ family in Brooklyn in the 1980’s. His mother is the heavy-handed disciplinarian, and his father a comical tightwad. Chris is constantly blamed and berated for his behavior, but also the behavior of his younger brother and sister.

Anyway, back to my topic, everybody hates growth spurts. As much as these first few weeks with my newborn are precious and dear, the sleep deprivation is a killer. Yes, I know it’s expected, but we are dealing with growth spurts right now. One at 2-3 weeks of age (which lasted for a week). And now, he’s hit his six week one, which means we are pretty much nursing every 2-3 hours around the clock. And it’s not just me who is hating this growth spurt stage. Poor hubby is also getting up, either to help me, or to dole out that life-saving bottle which actually allows me to sleep a bit. Poor teen daughter who helps out and babysits while I am at school or meetings, also is at a loss when he is screaming his head off, and she can’t fix it, unless with a bottle every two hours. “Mom, why is he screaming?” she will text me. Well sister, gotta figure that one out on your own. During growth spurt time, he is either hungry or tired….. constantly. It doesn’t help that with constant nursing, he will only sleep about 10 minutes at time on some days. Most of the time he will go to sleep, only to wake up a short time later because he is filling his diaper. He’s happy for a bit, then remembers that he is tired. Another 10 minute nap, and he wakes up because he is hungry again!

While up in the wee hours of the morning one night, I told myself that he will soon be out of this stage and that I will miss his sweet baby milkiness. But until then, everybody hates growth spurts.

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I Apologize for the Scare

On Friday, I visited a place I used to work to catch up and see what is going on before the little guy is born. There are a few people there who regularly read this blog, and a couple others who know enough about my private life that I share quite a few things with them. None of them have teenagers yet. All of them commented to me the other day, “You’ve got me scared for when my kids are teenagers’. So, for all of my gloom and doom teenager stories, I apologize. They’re not all bad. So this blog will be devoted to the postives of having teens.

1. Watching them reach their milestones is still a wonderful thing. It’s the same thrill as when they toddle those first steps and learn to ride a bike. It’s bittersweet. You know they’re growing up and the last of the time will fly. I swear I was teary-eyed the day I drove each of my kids to the first day of their first jobs. Taking the test to get a learner’s permit was almost as nerve-wracking for me as it was for them. And then they want to drive home!

2. I’m still proud of good grades and neat artwork they make in school. I love it when they ask me for help on a project or some kind of homework. It’s some of those little things that tells me somewhere inside them I do know a little more than they do, and they recognize that.

3. I love to see them make good choices and do the right thing. Although I seem to focus on the negative with them, I have to say they could be making really bad choices. Like drugs (taking or selling). Or be involved in porn on the internet or meeting strangers online. Or getting in trouble with the police for being involved with a gang or being caught vandalizing something. Thank you, Lord, that I’ve not ever had to deal with that kind of trouble.

4. It’s fun to see them have a good time and hear them out and out laugh. This has happened with my daughter more than my son, but when she has a friend over, they act like total goofballs. It’s such a joy to see your child enjoy herself.

5. I love it when my kids take time to be with their little sister and really focus on her and pay attention to her. Elizabeth will invite Grace into her room, and they will have “girl time”. Hair gets fixed, nails get painted, and cool music is on the radio. I know that Grace will cherish those memories and I hope that Elizabeth will too. Luke is so good with little kids. While he tends to tease both of his sisters a lot, they love to laugh at him and Grace loves to wrestle and play chase with Luke.

So fear not fellow parents. I hope one of the things you learn from my situations is that no matter what is going on with your kids (good times and bad) that you will get through it. Learn from others, listen to their advice and use what will work for you. Above all, pray and trust that God will get you and them through those teenage years. Oh, and don’t forget, the fruits of your labor are grandkids!

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Afraid to be Vulnerable?

I think I discovered in church yesterday why so many people are afraid to go to church. They’re afraid of being vulnerable. Being a hormonal pregnant woman right now, just about anything can produce tears. But what I really got out of it is that if you are in the presence of God, you are laid bare. There is nothing that He does not see or know about you. If you are open to it, then you won’t be afraid of it. Usually I’m afraid to go forward during altar call. Not because I’m embarrassed to be seen going up front, but because I don’t think I’d even be able to explain myself to the prayer counselor because I’d just be bawling my eyes out. I think in church, many of us are able to hide our fears and doubts. During prayer time at home, no big deal. No one sees me.

Which brings me to my real point of today’s blog:

The main message of the sermon yesterday was about finding God’s pathway to joy. One of the points that stuck out for me was what God thinks is good for me, I may not think is good for me. The path to joy is often littered with pain. For me, that pain often involves my kids. I’ve thought about this before, but when it really comes down to it, I really can do very little to protect my kids from Satan’s temptations, lies, and snares. Every time they leave my house, and sometimes even when they are in it, I am powerless to stop the destruction. I think the only thing I have on my side is prayer. And when God is unresponsive to those prayers, it’s very hard to trust Him. See, I don’t want to see my kids go through pain to get to the joy. But if that’s what God thinks is best for them to bring them close to Him, do I really get to argue with that? One of the things I pray most often for my kids is that God will expose the lies that Satan has got them to believing. About the way they act, about what they say, it’s not pleasing to God. Right now those conversations with them seem to fall on deaf ears.

Lord, help me to entrust my children to you, and to know that you are doing what is best for them, and for me.

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All of a sudden

A couple of years ago, I had one of my aunts say to me “Enjoy every minute, they’ll be gone before you know it and then you’ll be having grandbabies”. Well, I hope the grandbabies are many years off (especially now with critter coming), but I recently have been hit with the “oh crap, it’s here” stage. Oldest son is now living at his dad’s. Older daughter is practicing driving and has had a first job. Oldest son will be a senior this year. All of a sudden, I’m at that stage where they have one foot (or in Luke’s case both feet) out the door. And they don’t come back to see you when you want them to, they come back when they want to.

Sometimes it’s hard to navigate these last years, same as the earlier years. When they are little it’s questions like how do I get them to stay in bed or eat their vegetables? When they’re older, it’s things like do I make them pay for that themselves or is it a good idea to let them borrow the car for this? Some things I have learned to not worry about anymore. (See my article that was published in KC Parent magazine).

The main thing that has helped me through these latter years has been my faith and the support of friends and family. I pray for my kids daily, and have worked on having to trust God to be there and be active in their lives when I can’t be. Only time will tell how this plays out.

This song has been a source of comfort to me, in fact, right now I can’t listen to it without crying. I wonder if God is saying these same words to my kids when He thinks about them.

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Wisdom from Heaven

I thought of this blog in some restless moments of my late night/early morning insomnia. Have you ever felt like you needed some wisdom? Were overwhelmed by a situation and didn’t know what to do? That situation keeps cropping up for me. I’ve learned that when you are repeatedly faced with a situation, it usually because you were supposed to learn something from it that you apparently haven’t learned yet. Kind of like repeating your times tables over and over until you have them memorized.

Right now I really need some wisdom. I’ve had this verse on the refrigerator for some time, but was really looking at it the other day, and honestly spent some time in prayer and reflection on it:

James 3:17 – But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Have you ever asked God for something and then weren’t quite prepared for what you got? I like that the wisdom I have asked for will be pure……to me that means holy and straight from God himself, not at all based on my own limited knowledge or understanding. After all, I can’t see the future, or usually even the big picture. Peace-loving…..I like that part. I’m definitely looking for some peace, and loving the idea of having some. Considerate……hmm, that means I have to consider everyone involved. The things I’ve been considering are not necessarily what follows in the rest of the verse (submissive, full of mercy….impartial?). That’s going to be a bit difficult. But not as hard as the submissive one. Submissive to who? To God’s will? I think I can do that part, with some help from Him. Being submissive to others is the big part I have trouble with. Full of mercy and good fruit…sometimes I am loathe to show mercy to others. Of course, I know that I am not deserving of it, and in my sinful human brain, neither are they. After all, I’m not God, I don’t have endless amounts of mercy and grace oozing out of my pores. Probably one of the reasons I keep repeating this “lesson”. But, along with the mercy (forgiveness undeserved) will come good fruit. I like the good fruit part. Impartial and sincere……so, removing myself subjectively from my emotions and seeing the situation objectively……and truly meaning all of the above other things that I am doing.

I don’t know about you, but I think that verse gives a mighty tall order. God, I sure do need some wisdom. I openly accept the type you give me, and you know I will need your help in using your wisdom to act in accordance to your will in this situation.

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The proper way to throw a fit

I’ve had three incidents recently that required, well, some complaining, if not someone deserving to have their head roll. You may think that’s a bit dramatic, but I’m the type of person who likes justice and fairness and for things to go the way they are supposed to.

We bought some family passes to the pool in May. I also signed up for a water aerobics course, thinking it would be good exercise for me when it is too hot to walk outside. Well, the first issue is that the passes we got get swiped every time we go to the pool. Last week, during a day at the pool, the kid swiping my cards told me that one of them was completely used up (five passes on each card) and that another card only had one left on it. I insist that this is impossible since that day was only the third time we have been to the pool. We should have used nine out of a total of twenty passes. The kids tries to tell me that the computer isn’t wrong, and they can’t look it up because if they swipe the card again, it takes off another use. She then proceeds to tell me that the only way to look it up is to go to the city office where I bought them and have them straighten it out. So, I get all my cards back and the next day, go to the city office. During lunch time, so the “regular” person is out, and gosh, wouldn’t ya know it, nary a manager in sight, they are all AT THE POOL because of a special event going there. Are you beginning to sense my frustration? The gal working the counter insists that there is no way for her to look it up, and they have to do that at the pool! Steaming by now. She gives me the manager’s card and suggest I call him later. Ok, I will do that.

Monday morning arrives, I get up early to attend the water aerobics class which begins at 8:00 a.m. Show up at the pool, and curiously, there are very few cars in the parking lot. Hmmm… something is off here. Go into the pool, where some other kid comes up to me, “Can I help you ma’am?”. Yes, I’m here for the water aerobics class. “I don’t think we have that” he says. Takes me to another kid, who says the class has been canceled. So…..why wasn’t I notified? And where the heck is my refund!!! So, another trip back up to the city office that day, which is fine, since I haven’t resolved the passes issue yet either.

Show up at the office, and lo and behold, the manager I need to talk to is right there at the window. YAY! Something finally going right? I launch into my explanation of all my troubles, calm at this point. Right off the bat, he is kind, apologetic, and understanding. Yes, the water aerobics got canceled. Terribly sorry you weren’t notified, we didn’t have enough people sign up for it. Some kind of miscommunication between our office and the pool. On to the pool pass issue. Hmmm……..we don’t know what went wrong, but we will fix it. Ended up getting 10 free passes without asking for it. And got a refund on the class. And I never got snippy or ugly about it.

I guess that’s my point. When you feel like you have been mistreated and heads must roll, start off nice. You will usually get what you want. Your kids see how you behave. Don’t you want to set that kind of example?