Val’s Life

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A Princess is Born

Today my baby girl is 15 years old. I always get sentimental and teary on my kid’s birthdays. Why is there that awful place between wanting them to be grown up and out of the house, and wanting them to be little bitty again? When you have kids, you have to take the good with the bad. With Elizabeth, I can think of more good than bad. She’s the daughter many parents of teens would like to have. She can be goofy. She’s always polite (at least to other people). She has a tender heart. Sometimes she’s shy, and she doesn’t like to be in crowded places. Like all teen girls, she struggles with her self-image and who she is and who she wants to be. I wish I could take all of the things that hurt her heart and put them in a box and burn them. She truly is the apple of my eye. I don’t blog about her very often, largely in part to protect her.

I think my greatest wish for Elizabeth is that she learns to see herself for the princess that she is. I’m not talking about a self-absorbed brat kind of princess, but the beautiful daughter of a King, whom God created her to be. I pray that she learns to discern the wise from the foolish, and those who love her versus those who seek to hurt her. I pray that she knows how deep, wide, and strong is the love of her Father for her. I pray that she only allows people in her life who treat her with dignity and respect and that she learns to stand up for herself without trodding on others.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me this precious gift. May I do you proud in raising her to go back to you.

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Veering off course

I’m going to veer off course a bit today, and not quite finish the series of “Moms are Made in His Image”. I’m on the last week anyway, and I really don’t have much to add to it, except that I am just trusting God to use what He has taught me to help my kids. I don’t know that I’ve really seen evidence of this yet, I think I’ll just have to watch and wait.

My son had some minor surgery today. Being with him before and afterward while he was in recovery got me to thinking about how young and vulnerable he still is. He was really nervous beforehand (who isn’t before surgery?), and at the same time lighthearted and able to joke. I only saw him for a bit in recovery, while he was still waking up, and I’m sure he won’t remember that I was there (he went home with his dad). There was something about seeing him unawares that reminded me of when he was younger and so much more innocent. In the span of his whole life, he’s still very young and innocent, but today it was different. I’m so thankful that I have healthy children, for whom surgery of any type is not “routine”. I was recalling how he looked when he had his tonsils out when he was five. He was so tiny in the bed, barely took up any space. Now he was longer than the bed, fully spread out. So grown up, yet really still a little boy. I’m curious to see how the next few years will be for him. Will he ever get a job and a car? How will college look for him? Will he go away, or stay home? My boy is almost a man. But I’ll be there for him, every step of the way.

Valerie Owings is a parenting consultant striving to improve the lives of families. You can visit her site at www.parentingwithpeace.com.

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Conforming to His Image

I’m a bit uncomfortable with the topic this week. Yes, I know I picked it. But the more I sit here considering what to write, the more I am unsure of myself. Confession: I am not a Bible scholar. So as I consider what “conforming to the image of Christ” means, I admit that I did a bit of research. And, what does it mean to conform to His image, as opposed to being made in His image? If I’m already made in His image, then why do I have to conform to it? (Here’s where the story of sin comes in, but that is another topic for another day).

I do know that God wants me to do certain things ie, love Him, love others. So, how does He do that by giving me children? What do my kids have to do with being conformed to His image? If you are a Christian, and if you are a parent, then you have probably been in my shoes where a problem with your child drives you to your knees in prayer. The more time you spend with God, the more you get to know Him and love Him. Ok, that fulfills one of the things God wants me to do. What about loving others? Is there a better picture of how to love others than God loving us? God loves everyone; good, bad, ugly, beautiful, rich, poor, lost, and found. God loves us when we hurt others. He loves us when we are mad. He loves us even when we are hateful, mean, and spiteful. We love our kids under all of those same conditions. Sometimes, we don’t like the way they behave, but we still love them.

I think the difference here between God and us is in the way we treat our kids when we don’t approve of the way they act. God treats us the same way no matter how we act, that is to say His behavior never stoops to our level. Hopefully, we learn as our kids grow to behave more and more like Christ. Loving, rebuking, forgiving, compassion. Understanding. When I say to myself, “I wish I could be more like Christ”…I look at my kids and know that everyday He is giving me the opportunity to do just that. Now and when they are grown.

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Lessons in Parenting

This is still a continuation of the theme “Moms are Made in His Image”, but I’m moving on to the part about what God wants us to learn from being a parent.

1) We are not really in control, and we need to surrender our children to Him
2) He uses our children to conform us to His image
3) He will use what He teaches us to also teach our children

I really don’t like the first thought, that we are not in control of what happens to our children. We have control over what we do, not over what our kids do, except for when they are very small. At any time, our children may be stricken with a disease, molested, kidnapped, or hurt by other people. And we can’t do anything about it. There’s nothing like those thoughts to send a parent into a panic. I think once we send our kids off to school, this reality begins to become clear to us. We can’t make them behave in the classroom, or make sure they eat their fruit at lunch. I’m not saying we can’t or shouldn’t model and teach the things that make our kids want to behave well and eat healthy, I’m saying we can’t make them do it if they really don’t want to. We can’t control how other people influence them, or keep others from being mean to them. We can do everything “right” for all their growing up years, and then have everything turn out “wrong”. A friend at church was telling me about this situation with his young adult children (late teens and early twenties) who made choices which were very disappointing to him, and went against what he thought he and his wife had taught them. It was at that point that he realized that he really didn’t have control over what his now adult children did.

So, what are we to do then? How do we “surrender” our kids to God? I think part of it for me has been realizing that God loves my kids more than I do. Whatever path my kids choose, or whatever happens to them or because of them, He allows. Ugh! That’s a hard pill to swallow. I don’t want bad things to happen to my kids, or for them to do bad things. But it will happen. So, I can fuss and fume, or I can let God help me through it. I like this quote from Jeanne Zornes: “Fussing doesn’t get you what you want. Fussing only reveals that we cannot accept the circumstances God has put us in. It is a symptom of the inner state of the soul that has not come to rest with God.” Hmmm……..definitely some food for thought.

Feel free to leave a comment about a way you have fussed and fumed over a situation in which you wanted to be control of what happened with your kids instead of letting God be in control of it.

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He Expects Obedience, But Knows We Will Fail

I have to start this week’s blog with a funny story. Last night, I was doing some things on the computer, and Luke was sitting next to me on the couch playing the XBOX. I said to myself, “Oh, man! I have to blog tomorrow”. Luke said (in a silly way, not a snotty way) “Blogging’s for losers”. I told him that he should read my blog, because a lot of them are about him, and the heartache he causes me. He looked at me and said, “You are such a drama queen”. For some reason, I found this hilarious, and I busted up laughing. Luke started laughing too. It was a nice moment to share. Some readers might think that my son is the bane of my existence the way I write about him, but he’s not. In general, he’s a really good kid. He does get under my skin quite a bit, a skill he has honed to perfection. In fact, when we’re not dithering over his grades and his phone, we usually get along quite well. He’s always got his sister in stitches (the laughing kind, not the hospital kind). Which leads me to the point of this week’s blog; God’s patience with us when He expects certain things of us, but knows (because we are human) that we are going to mess up.

#5 & # 6 are going to be combined in this week: God expects us to be obedient, but knows we will fail. And, He allows us to make mistakes. Gosh I wish I could remember this when I get mad at my kids. At the age they are, it’s difficult at times to separate age-appropriate mistakes from willful disobedience. Then, I also have to take into consideration their different personalities. For instance, Grace and Luke are easily distracted and will forget in two minutes something you have just asked them to do. Not willful disobedience there, just the way they are. Sometimes I feel sorry for Luke’s future wife. She will think I’ve not done any proper training of the boy. I have, he just hasn’t caught on yet.

Watching my kids make mistakes that I know will later be harmful to them is hard. I wonder how God feels sitting up in heaven watching us, muttering under His breath, “don’t do that, oh man, you are gonna wish later that you hadn’t done that”. Yet because we are human and stubborn, and often don’t stop to think or consult God first, we follow through on those actions. God, quite wisely, instead of sending down lightning bolts to zap us, just sits back and waits and allows us to live with the consequences that are often painful for us.

Lord,
As I raise Luke, Elizabeth, and Grace please be my shepherd and lead me. Gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart, giving me grace and wisdom as you gently lead “those that have young”. Amen. Isaiah 40:11

Let this also be your prayer.

Valerie Owings is a parenting consultant striving to improve the lives of families. You can visit her site at www.parentingwithpeace.com.

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He Rebukes Us When We Need It

My son needs a good “rebuking”. Merriam Webster defines rebuke as:

1 a: to criticize sharply b: to serve as a rebuke to 2: to turn back or keep down

My son has behaved in a way that is hurtful to me. He has said things about me behind my back that are either flat-out untrue, or that are a gross exaggeration…….in order to get his way. He has done this without consideration for mine or anyone else’s feelings. I’ve been stewing about this since yesterday, and I have been thinking about this situation in relation to this blog. You see, I want to say some things to my son. What I really want to do is chew him up one side and down the other. I want to make him feel bad for what he has done. I haven’t yet said anything to him, and that’s probably a good thing, because I may have said things that weren’t very nice or productive had I said something when I was first very upset with him.

What does God do in this situation? What does He do when I need to be “rebuked”? Thank goodness I don’t get a phone call with Him chewing me out. He doesn’t swoop down from Heaven, knock on my door, and say “We need to talk”. Sooo…….what does He do? Sometimes, when I am discussing a situation with someone close to me, He uses the other person to point out my wrong doing. (Somehow, it’s not quite as hurtful coming from someone who cares about you and who is an objective 3rd party.) Sometimes, He waits for my conscience to give me a nudge. Usually this occurs during a sermon or lesson that I am hearing. Sometimes, He points out my bad behavior by having someone treat me the way I have treated others. Funny how that is sometimes the best way for us to realize what we have done. Maybe God gave me this lesson right now because He knew I was blogging about it this week! I think the technique that God uses depends upon our spiritual maturity level, and our ability to be open to what He is trying to teach us at that moment. If we are not ready to hear the message, God usually lets us keep repeating the mistake until we get it.

So how am I going to handle my son? Well, I really don’t think that he’s mature enough to grasp the effects of his behavior. I always say that teens are toddlers in bigger bodies. If you can’t convince a toddler that the world doesn’t revolve around him, and that he can’t have everything he wants, and that just because he says “mine”, that doesn’t make it his…….well, try telling a teenager the same things. We assume that because they are older that we can reason with them. HA! I think what is in order here is for me to wait for 1) his conscience to be nudged (yes, I really believe he has one, even if buried under hormones and stupidity right now) and 2) wait for someone to treat him in the same manner so he can realize what he’s done. Or….if any of you would like to be the objective 3rd party who knocks some sense into him……be my guest. : )

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Pudding Good

What! Two blog posts in one day? Yup, but you’re gonna love this one.

C’mon over and have some pudding good.

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What We Want vs. What We Need

This week, I found it easier to combine #2 & #3 on the “How God Parents Us” series……so here goes:

2. He doesn’t always give us what we want

3. He always gives us what we need

Here are some things my kids have recently asked for:

Grace – The Tinkerbell movie, various toys, to be Ariel for Halloween

Luke – money…a car……his cell phone back (grades, again)

Elizabeth – money, a coat, a pair of furry boots

Most of those things are not unreasonable requests. Elizabeth definitely needs a coat for winter, but she didn’t need the furry boots (DH is the one who took her shopping……you can guess why that happened). Neither one of my kids particularly need money (just to spend), they have all of their basic needs met. Grace never needs the things she asks for, but because of Grandma (and Aunt Vicky, and Aunt Nat, and Cousin Mindy, and pudding Daddy) she usually gets what she asks for.

When I think of all the things I’ve asked God for (I’m not listing most of them here), I wonder which ones He actually thinks I need, and which ones He thinks I can live without. If you look at the ask vs. get rate, He apparently doesn’t think I “need” most of them, or He’s just holding off giving them to me. From what I can tell, He usually doesn’t give me what I ask for, so I can learn from whatever painful experience I am going through. Talk about learning through natural consequences! I can never say that God doesn’t meet my basic needs. I am saved. I am loved. I have a nice, cozy house to live in that doesn’t have a bunch of things wrong with it. I have a job (well, two or three)…..we have enough money to live on. We all have health insurance (with Grace, that is a huge blessing!). No one here is ill (not counting Grace, because for the most part she is healthy), or disabled. I have many friends and family who care about me. No one in this house ever goes hungry (unless by choice). We have heat, air conditioning, and running water. We have many other “creature comforts”. God always meets my needs. He doesn’t always give me what I want.

Too many parents give in to their children’s every little want and whim. Does your child really “need” what he or she is asking for? The cell phone? The new toy? The trip to McDonald’s? Why do parents give in? Guilt. The next time your child wants something, ask him or her (and yourself) do you really need this? If your child is old enough ask them to explain why it is a need, and not just a want. You might want to remind yourself that God never gives you what you ask for out of guilt. And as a parent, you should not give your kids things out of guilt either. God gives us things because He loves us and knows it is the best thing for us. If we don’t get what we ask for, it’s because He knows best.

Matthew 7:9-11 – Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

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He Answers When I Call

Part 1 of the blog series - How does God parent us?

Isn’t it funny sometimes to think of God as our parent? Yet, Jesus often refers to God as our Father (Matthew 6:32, Matthew 5:35, John 4:23….and so on). In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus modeled for us that we should pray “Our Father who art in heaven”. When we are children, we look up to our parents as the “fixers of everything”. For a while, they know everything, and we don’t really question that until our tween years, when friends begin to have an influence. When we scrape a knee, or are barfing in the night, who do we call for? Usually Mom or Dad. I’ve never yet heard a kid call out for their best friend during times of crisis. As a parent, it’s one of our top priorities to be there when our kids call for help. Not that we give them everything they want, but during the tough times, we are there for them, we carry them and stand up for them.

There have been times in my life when it seemed like God didn’t answer when I called. I either got a busy signal and had to call back, or leave a voice message. “Umm….hello, God, I need some help down here. So and so did such and such, and I don’t know what to do. My daughter made a bad choice and could use some straightening out. My son is driving me up the wall with his bad attitude and I want to throttle him. My husband and I are disconnected, and I don’t know how to get it worked out.” Sometimes it took Him weeks, months even to get back to me, or He did call me back, but I wasn’t available to get the message. That’s frustrating when you are calling out for help and it feels like He’s not there. Nevertheless, there has yet to be an instance where God has let me down. He’s always there when I call. EVERY TIME.

Sometimes it seems to our kids like we don’t answer them when they call. Sometimes we don’t answer them. We are tired, we are stressed, we want to watch this tv show, or go and do something else. If this happens too many times, kids get the message that we are not available and they stop calling to us to help them. They turn to other places to get their help, and most often it’s not God they are calling for help.

What then, can we do? We teach them to turn to Him. We need to let our children see our struggles, and how we trust God to help us through. We need not tell our children things that are not for them to worry about, but it’s ok to say to them, “I’m really struggling with something right now, and I’m praying and trusting that God will help me”. When He does, make sure you let them know!

Here’s some inspiration for those of you calling out to the Father for help.

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A family needs your help

I don’t know this family personally, but I was alerted to their story today. If you, or someone you know can help, please pass this on to them.

The story

Their site